Correction

CORRECTION: HEATH LEDGER REALLY IS DEAD.
I come to you humbled, foot firmly in mouth, to apologize for what can only be described as poor jounalism. We all strive to do our best to report quickly and accurately here at EW. Everyone makes mistakes, and this time I made a doozy. Heath Ledger is actually dead. I was wrong and I apologize to all the people that emailed me exclaiming their joy that he is still alive. That is not the case. Mark my words, this is the last bit of inaccurate reporting you will ever hear from this reporter.
-Chad

Heath Ledger is Fine Folks!!!

Wow, some people believe everything they read. Jeez. Okay peeps, this is in response to the huge influx of emails I have gotten. Seriously folks, you gotta pull yer heads out of your asses. Heath Ledger dead? Oh boy. I guess I gotta spoonfeed you idiots. Heath Ledger is fine! No, he didn't die. Its some cruel internet prank, or viral marketing. Trust me, if Heath Ledger really died, you'd know it. It wouldn't be a matter of conjecture. It would be all over the place. In fact, I just saw him on the SAG awards last night, and he was sporting a stately beard. Anyway, you can relax now. Heath is fine... jesus. Gullible internet geeks, I tell ya. You will be laughing your pants off about this in a week, trust me.

-Chadley

Bond part 24 Gets a Title

Hey peepsmears!

Chaz here, whuzzup!? I heard the new Bond flick has gotten a new title, which is really awesome. My favorite thing to do between the 2 to 8 year gaps between Bond movies is to either imagine what the new title will be and then think of a story based on that hypothetical title OR after I have heard what the new title of the forthcoming Bond movie is, I then try to come up with a story in my head that goes with the title, often ammending it as new casting and plot news comes in. This news of the new title comes via our favorite scooper who likes to go by HammeroftheMods667:

"Heads up douchebags, the announced the name of the new Bond flick. Its based on Ian Andersen's first Bond novel of the same title. If you don't post this, you straight clownin'"

Great! Thanks Hammer! The title is quite a departure from the normal "Odd Statement that is Slightly Off" formula for a Bond title. Anyway, I for one am thrilled, and right now I am picturing what kind of a crazy plot would befit this fascinating title. As you know Daniel Fergusen will reprise his role of Bond in the latest installment, due in theaters this summer.

-Chaz B.

Slow Week For Batman News

Hey peeparinos! Chadley here. I thought I would take a minute out of my busy day to comment on the lack of news pertaining to Universal's Batman prequel Dark Knights. For the last few months it seems like everyday a new virus marketing page would pop up, or there would be a scavenger hunt, or something like that. But this week there hasn't been a peep from the studio which makes me wonder if something big is coming. I really think a huge story would push anticipation for this film into the stratosphere. Like some massivley important story that would bring even more attention to this film and its stars. Could it be that this uncharacteristically silent week for Dark Knights mean that any day now a huge story will break? Not sure. Anyway, what can ya do?

-Chadley

January Movie Rundown!

Greetings fans! Richie Deschamps here. In case you were unaware, or aren't one my many followers (I like to call you guys Weaksters), January is my favorite month for movies. After the garbage that comes our way in December, January is the one month out of the year where we can rely on some quality film making. Not to mention the month when Anthony Anderson comes out from under his rock and stars in some timeless classics!

Here's a list of January releases I just can't wait for! Keep in mind, I'm writing this at 4am and I can barely keep my eyes open, let alone get through "Barracuda" on Guitar Hero. Without further ado...

5) Rambo 5 - If you're not excited about this movie, you don't deserve to live. Seriously, go fuck yourself. Nah, just kidding! From what I understand, this film explores the origins of the World War II vet, beginning with his childhood. Apparently John Rambo liked to squish frogs and torture rabbits as a child. I read on rambo-on-film.net that about 90 minutes of the film is just this. Then there's like, a 15 minute war scene, or something. Whatever, just go see it.

7) Cloverfarm - The much anticipated monster movie from producer JJ Walker is almost here people! Little is known about this American remake of Godzilla, but one thing is for sure, it's gonna make me poop my panties! Be sure to watch closely for cameos from Matthew Broderick, Harry Shearer and Hank Azaria. Oh wait, that was Godzilla. Nevermind, fuck this movie.

12) First Sunday - What do you get when you put Ice-T, Tracy Morgan, and some black dude in a movie together? Comedy gold! I've seen the bus ads everywhere for this movie, and we all know that means it's gonna be a bonafide classic. I have no idea what this movie is about, but if Ice-T is in it, there's one thing that's guaranteed. He's gonna release a hit single that coincides with the release! GO SEE THIS FILM OR I WILL KILL YOU.

Ok, well I think I hear my Grandma cooking bacon, so I better go downstairs and eat. Be sure to check out these movies, or at least download them from Limewire.

Deschamps...out!!!

Jessica Alba to Wed!!!

Greetings fans! Richard Deschamps here. I'd like to introduce you to our newest columnist here at Entertainment Weakey, Trip Maverick. He has some exciting gossip news for us!

Trip Maverick reporting here. Sorry guys, the hot Italian actress 32 is finally tying the not. The news first broke when her Fantastic 5 co-star Doug Jones said she and fiancé Tango N. Cash were very happy. Her other co-star Michael Chickless was reportedly quoted as saying “The news isn’t that much of a shock as he sprayed his beans up her muffin getting her pregnant, so he did the right thing and put a ring on her finger.” Next up for Alba is the supernatural thriller The Nose about a young girl who receives a nose transplant that allows her to smell spooky ghosts. Chilling.

In other news, former Dawson’s Creek star Mischa Barton was arrested for DUI and has also tested positive for smoking heroin. She said to reporters outside of jail, “Yo dudes, it was like, totally worth it, I’m like really high”. She was released on bail for 50 bucks, a quick hand job for the deputy, then released. Next up for Barton is hopefully a good meal as she’s still skinny as a rake. Go eat a burger or something girl!

More news later, folks.

Peace out!

Holy Fuck! Star Trek News!!!

Hey peepasaures rexes! Chadley Q. BeBay III Esq. here with more accurate up to the minute Hollywood movie news, gossip, rumors, and.. HYUHCK! Oooff! HOOOOGH! Sorry something was caught in my throat. Moving on... Last summer Entertainment Weakey broke news that J.J. Walker was indeed remaking / re-envisioning / prequeling / sequeling the Star Trek franchise here with a sexy new take on the mythos, to be titled Star Trek X. But now things are really heating up. Our friends over at Aintitnews.cool tipped us off to this little thimble's worth of new rumors. This is what Mortondowny sent me:

"Hey Richie and Chad! Werd up, faggotz? Well anyway, I just heard that there is a love scene that is causing some serious hard-on action in the new Star Trek sequel. Are you ready for this? Apparently there is a sloppy sex scene between...wait for it.... Spork....and OLDER SPORK!!! Yes the older Spork visits younger Spork, and well Sporks fly! tee-hee hee hee hee!!!!! No seriously. But don't expect to see any pearly cum-globules, however. The Romulan mating ritual is quite reserved, and Earth audiences might not even be aware that its anything more than hands touching. If you print this call me Mortondowney. If you don't print it, I will rub your asshole with number 4 sandpaper."

So there you have it. Star Trek fans are going absolutely mad as news about this younger, hippier and downright sexier Trek pours in. While I am certain Walker has a thrill ride of universal proportion (ha ha ha! get it? universal? Its cuz this takes place in the universe) I am a little worried about the casting. Yes Shia Laborf is a captivating young actor, but is he Bones? Anyway keep you eyes and the road, but above all peeled.

-C.B.

Film About Cute Furry Animals a Hit!

Greetings fans! Richard Deschamps here. Sorry it's been a while since I blogged at y'all. I recently became engaged to my on-off-on girlfriend, Mona. She's a beauty, but sometimes she gets a little out of control and I have to take her down to the hospital to get her checked out. No worries though, the wedding is still on and I hope to see you all there! Location, date, guests and attire have yet to be determined.

In other news, our favorite quartet of singing rodents has a new film out! You guessed it, Alvin's Chipmunks, or as it's known by its promotional title, "AAAAALVIN!!!!!" has become the holidays season's runaway hit. The film, featuring the intelligent Theodore, adorable Simon, spectacle-wearing Alvin, and of course the overly flatulent Geoffrey, reunites the four chipmunks with their owner Dan on a quest to write the greatest Halloween song ever! Alvin's Chipmunks also seamlessly blends CGI characters with real life actors (in this case, Jason Mewes and Bob Odenkirk), a groundbreaking move for a film based on a 40 year-old cartoon.

We here at Weakey haven't checked it out yet, although Chadley caught the trailer a few weeks back at the premier of Be A Wolf (2048) and said, "One of the chipmunks eats a piece of shit." Sounds like it's gonna be great!

Deschamps...out!!!

UPDATE: No, seriously. One of the chipmunks eats shit in this movie.

Brandon Walsh out of Superman Sequel?!??

EXCLUSIVE:

Hey guys, no time for salutations. We just got word from our exclusive source that Superman Begins star Brandon Walsh will not, I repeat will not return to the role of Superman in the sequel. As totally unbelievable as it sounds, it seems like this scoop is legit. Just when they finally rescue Superman from development hell, and restore the character to its darker, grittier, (and frankly sexier) roots they go and pull this curveball?! Who ever runs Universal must be smoking salvia. After Superman 5: The Quest for World Peace, fans waited 11 long years for the next installment in the franchise, which promised to finally answer all the burning questions about Superman fans have long had. Why does he have powers? Where did he come from? Why does he bother working for a newspaper when he could easily steal all the money as he wants? All of those queries were answered in Begins, and how! The movie was universally praised and remains one of the most surprisingly successful movies of all time. Grossing more than anyone could have possibly anticipated, Superman Begins remains a rare, untouchable film that every movie fan loves, without exception. The most mind-blowingly amazing aspect of this film was the pitch-perfect casting of Brandon Walsh as Superman/Clark Kents. The news that this talented, intelligent, competent (and frankly sexy) actor extraordinaire will be putting away the mask and gloves for good made my shit come out in liquid form this morning. Could have been the chock full of nuts, but I am leaning towards Walsh being out.

According to my source a rift between the actor and studio is at the heart of the split. Apparently Universal was a little upset at the way Brandon filled out his signature red panties in the first one. The studio was nonplussed by his swinging pendulum. The ultimatum? Wear a SuperSock in your panties or say goodnight. Brandon said no, and the rest is history. I am devastated. If they wanted Superman to sport a colossal set of human male genitals, they shouldn't have cast a 12-year-old in the role. MESSAGE TO UNIVERSAL: Get your priorities straight. Oh and this does not bode well for Justice Leagues of the Americas. Buncha whores.

Anyway keep your..... whatever.

-C

Here Comes Indy!!!

Whuddup Peeps! Chadley here. How is everyone? Good. Well, the Indiana Jones news keeps pouring in as we get closer and closer to the newest intallment of the franchise, entitled Indiana Jones and Shia LaBoef and the King Crystal Skulls which is opening everywhere March 20th. As you all probably know by now, the movie follows a young Indiana Jones (La Boef) on his first heist. (Think Junior Begins). With rumors of Harrison Ford being attached, look for a cameo by the older Indy, possibly narrating the whole thingy. I am looking forward to a Goodfella 3 type of ending, where we find a decrepit old Indy alone and dying. If we see that all of the riches Indy stole over the years merely left him by lonely and unloved, it would add a lot to the character. I think that would be a really awesome ending. Anyway, as the rumor mill spins, or turns (or whatever mills do), more scuttlenutts come in everyday. Amongst the latest bitties:
-Shia La Boef will appear shirtless for at least one scene, and may in fact bare his beautiful ass.

-Sean Connery will appear just long enough to repeat the now classic line "Great party, pity I didn't R.S.V.P."

-Steven Spielberger has hinted this may not be the last we see of....

Indiana Jones....

-Rumor has it that the crew has built an exact replica of the Temple of

Doom, of which plot may once again revolve around.

-Apparently this prequel/renvisioning finally explains how Indy got that

distinctive scar across his face. (Hint: think whips)

-Apparently, the Japanese boy from Goonies will be back, once again

discgracing Asians with his funny little ways.
Anyway keep your peepers and potatos peeled!

-Chad