Brandon Walsh out of Superman Sequel?!??

EXCLUSIVE:

Hey guys, no time for salutations. We just got word from our exclusive source that Superman Begins star Brandon Walsh will not, I repeat will not return to the role of Superman in the sequel. As totally unbelievable as it sounds, it seems like this scoop is legit. Just when they finally rescue Superman from development hell, and restore the character to its darker, grittier, (and frankly sexier) roots they go and pull this curveball?! Who ever runs Universal must be smoking salvia. After Superman 5: The Quest for World Peace, fans waited 11 long years for the next installment in the franchise, which promised to finally answer all the burning questions about Superman fans have long had. Why does he have powers? Where did he come from? Why does he bother working for a newspaper when he could easily steal all the money as he wants? All of those queries were answered in Begins, and how! The movie was universally praised and remains one of the most surprisingly successful movies of all time. Grossing more than anyone could have possibly anticipated, Superman Begins remains a rare, untouchable film that every movie fan loves, without exception. The most mind-blowingly amazing aspect of this film was the pitch-perfect casting of Brandon Walsh as Superman/Clark Kents. The news that this talented, intelligent, competent (and frankly sexy) actor extraordinaire will be putting away the mask and gloves for good made my shit come out in liquid form this morning. Could have been the chock full of nuts, but I am leaning towards Walsh being out.

According to my source a rift between the actor and studio is at the heart of the split. Apparently Universal was a little upset at the way Brandon filled out his signature red panties in the first one. The studio was nonplussed by his swinging pendulum. The ultimatum? Wear a SuperSock in your panties or say goodnight. Brandon said no, and the rest is history. I am devastated. If they wanted Superman to sport a colossal set of human male genitals, they shouldn't have cast a 12-year-old in the role. MESSAGE TO UNIVERSAL: Get your priorities straight. Oh and this does not bode well for Justice Leagues of the Americas. Buncha whores.

Anyway keep your..... whatever.

-C

Here Comes Indy!!!

Whuddup Peeps! Chadley here. How is everyone? Good. Well, the Indiana Jones news keeps pouring in as we get closer and closer to the newest intallment of the franchise, entitled Indiana Jones and Shia LaBoef and the King Crystal Skulls which is opening everywhere March 20th. As you all probably know by now, the movie follows a young Indiana Jones (La Boef) on his first heist. (Think Junior Begins). With rumors of Harrison Ford being attached, look for a cameo by the older Indy, possibly narrating the whole thingy. I am looking forward to a Goodfella 3 type of ending, where we find a decrepit old Indy alone and dying. If we see that all of the riches Indy stole over the years merely left him by lonely and unloved, it would add a lot to the character. I think that would be a really awesome ending. Anyway, as the rumor mill spins, or turns (or whatever mills do), more scuttlenutts come in everyday. Amongst the latest bitties:
-Shia La Boef will appear shirtless for at least one scene, and may in fact bare his beautiful ass.

-Sean Connery will appear just long enough to repeat the now classic line "Great party, pity I didn't R.S.V.P."

-Steven Spielberger has hinted this may not be the last we see of....

Indiana Jones....

-Rumor has it that the crew has built an exact replica of the Temple of

Doom, of which plot may once again revolve around.

-Apparently this prequel/renvisioning finally explains how Indy got that

distinctive scar across his face. (Hint: think whips)

-Apparently, the Japanese boy from Goonies will be back, once again

discgracing Asians with his funny little ways.
Anyway keep your peepers and potatos peeled!

-Chad

WOWEE!!! HOLIDAY BLOWOUT SPECTACULAR!

Hey Peep-Smears!!!! Chadley B.A. (Bad Attitude) BeBay here with our annual year end deluxe blowout spectacular! In this article we will give our top picks for new DVD releases, as well as our favorite flix in theaters now! First my top 5 new DVD releases:

5)Doctor Who Season 49 - Anyone who is a fan of Sci-Fi is a fan of "Who." the longest running psychadelic, weird looking, science-fiction comedy is back for a 50th season this fall. Before you tune into the new season, which has once again recast its titualar character (the 64th actor to play the iconic role), make sure you catch season 49. While each season usually has its own unique story-arc, its best to start at season 1 and watch them in order. For the die hard fans, Doctor Who: The Complete Series will be released next summer, with a retail price of $1,568,740.86

4)The Simpsons: The Motion Picture - While I was aprhensive at first, (as evidenced by my February 2007 Op-Ed piece "I Will Fucking Kill Matt Groening's Family for this One" ) I was pleasently suprised by the live action interpretation of the classic series, now in its 100th season. Viggo Mortisen stars as a Russian Mobster who falls in love with a British Nurse (Naomi Watts), who has the diary of a woman killed by the mob organization he is a driver for. Add the hilarious Simpson Family to the mix and you have a motion picture of startling depth that asks the question: when, if ever, is violence necessary, and how do the marks of a violent life influence ones moral aptitude?

4)The Pursuit of Happiness - I was a little worried I would not like this movie. I love Will Smith as an action star, and I had trouble imagining him as a poor blues musician with a young daughter. The fact that my bootleg copy misspelled the title didn't help. Who makes these things, 5 year olds? Anyway Smith delivered the dramatic goods, while giving the ultimate nod to fans with the film's closing line "Awwwww Hellllll Nawwww!!!"

5) Marilyn Manson's Halloween 3 - I normally don't like re-envisionings, but when Marylin Manson steps behind the camera, I fucking pay attention. Hot on the success of House of A Ton of Corpses and Devil's Retards, Manson returns to the camera to bring us a new vision of a horror classic. Jason was not in the original Halloween 3, but rather the Shamrock Mask Company who is using halloween masks to melt children's heads into mush.

Okay, so I dont have 5 DVD picks but I will continue with my Favorite movies in Theaters Now!

5) The Bucket List - I only had enough money to see one movie, and since I had to bring my grandma along, I had to see this flaming piece of rotten Nessie-shit. Its about two buddies, one black one white, who make a list of what they want to do before they die alone. Didn't really pay attention, and I left before the ending but I guarantee you two things: Neither people put "Fuck Whores" on their Bucket Lists, and one of them, probably the Black One, dies at the end leading the other, probably the white one, to finish both lists.

Well, thats all I got folks, have a great new year, and drive safe!!!

PS- Always use an alcohol vaporizer on holidays if you plan to drive. Keep your peepers peeled!

-C.B.A.B.b.

Movie News Weekend Christmas Present Wrap Up

NEW COLUMNIST!!! Introducing Clifton Dunbar!

Christian Bales (right) has just been confirmed to star as John O’Conner in Terminator 4: Terminator Wars. The 39 year old Irish star was said to be looking forward to working with Charlie’s Angels Director McD. The plot of the film is set to tell the story of John O’Connor as he leads his band of merry men in a fight against the giant Robot Megatron who sits in his fortress called Cloudnet.

In other news, BOwolf star Raymond Winstone has said he’s taking a break after Just wrapping the new Indian Jones instalment. He said “Ive been really busy the last few years so now I just wanna take a break have a fag and a few beers and slap the misses." Indiana Jones and The King of Skull & Bones will be released Christmas day 2008.

Survey: 88% of IMDB Message Board Posters are Vagina-Butts

Hey peepsie-daisies!

Chadley "Bad mother.. shut your trap" Bebay here... Whooo what a busy couple of weeks. They are moving our offices from 1st ave and 42 to Broadway and 176th, so Richie and I have been lost in the shuffle. But rest assured, we are back, and badder than ever. The one story that really motivated me to fire up the Apple II and get this blog rolling was a piece that AP ran a few days ago. I for one cannot believe how little attention this bit is getting. That, coupled with its relevance to the Entertainment Weakey fanbase, made this morsel of news top priority for this blogger. From A.P.:

"The internet community was stunned today as the results of a comprehensive and controversial survey were finally made public. The verdict: 88% of IMDB message board posters are Vagina Butts. That is to say, where a normal man (or woman) has a ridged taint bridging their assious fudge-holes to their respective sweaty bits, an alarming number of IMDB message board posters are instead stricken with sticky, mildewy cunt-lips surrounding a sloshy dickport. This condition has become termed by the medical community as Gluttius Snatchius Syndrome, or Vagina-Butt. Vagina Butts were previously thought to be far less common. Symptoms range from sticky stools to shit smelling pussies affixed to nether regions. There is no known cure."

As with any newly published medical data, especially a study with such serious implications, this report should be taken with a grain of salt. Anyone familiar with Vagina Butts would have pegged the number at maybe 40%, but if this is true, it will have inumberable affects on how we post condescending, smug, arrogant, dismissive, passive-aggressive and grumpy remarks on the beloved IMDB message board.

Bad news aside, check back later in the week for upcoming feature stories such as:

-Full Coverage of the Bucket List premiere

-An Exclusive interview with Hellion 2 director Benicio Del Toro

- A Detailed list of what scenes in Walk Hard are meant to be considered funny

- Christmas Pixxx with Reginald H. Dougleshitz, our new correspondant.

Alright you egg-sac-loving sploogebuckets, keep your peeholes peeled!

-Chadley Bebay

Dark Nights' Teaser Poster Pops Up Online!

Greetings fans! Richie Deschamps here. Sorry it's been a while since I blogged to all of you, I've been grieving the death of my collaborator Chadley's grandpapa. He's taking it hard, so if you could shoot him a quick email saying, "whuz up," he'd much appreciate it. In other news, the upcoming Batman remake, Dark Nights, upped the ante in their increasingly odd virus marketing. Fans who visited why-you-so-serious.net were given instructions to visit cafes in their respective locations and ask for a "Robin Quivers." They were then given a cake (pic above), which once eaten revealed...wait for it...keep waiting...are you ready...don't think you are...still wait...it burns when I pee...wait for it...AN IPHONE!

As if it couldn't get any better, once the last cake was picked up the website revealed this exciting new teaser poster (below). Want my two cents? This movie is gonna be friggin' BAD (In a Michael Jackson sort of way)!

Deschamps...out!!!

All about the Dark Knights Epilogue!!!

Greetings Peepenators!

Chadley Bebay here with more of the most trusted movie news on the entire web. As we reported back in March, Universal Pictures and Marc Bolan announced their plans to premier a 120 minute epilogue to Batman Beginnings, with MAXI theater screenings of I am A Legend. The epilogue will serve as a 120 minute bridge between the successful redux of the Batman franchise, and the next installment. (Fanboy rumors have been swirling with potential titles for the third Bat-Flick such as Batman-on-film.com/the motion picture, and Shadow of the Man. ) Anywho, Bolan and company debuted the epilogue last night, and boy does it sound tasty. A tasty nugget of geek-boy slick friction glitzy-bling. A super-scooper sent us this report:

"Hey Chadely. Richie. Hope all is well. I heard about those message board gnomes cramping your style. No bother, they aint worth spit. Anyway I was able to catch the 120 minute Dark Knights Epilogue last night in NYC, your hometown. Whoa shit! It was intense. Full of action, adventure, peril and drama, above all else. I wish I could remember more. Its kind of funny. Its all a little surreal to me right now. The details are fuzzy. Its almost as if I never saw it, but I just dreamed it. Also, there were no recognizable actors or characters. Hmm...its kind of a haze. Did I even see it? No, pretty sure I did... Anyway if you publish this, you can call me SqueakyTits666."

Well, there you have it. Looks like we have quite the crazy flick to look forward to! Until then, keep your eyes peeled and...

SEE YOU IN NOVEMBER! HA HA HA HA HA!

-Chadley